Okay, I know I'm totally late with this, but I wanted to do it anyway.

When my friend told me that Michael Jackson had died, my reaction was something like: "...Oh. Seriously?" *is this a prank or...?* "Okay... That... sucks." And than I had one of these Awkward-Laughs. I actually LAUGHED WTFFF!!!?? And I feel really stupid because I didn't mean to actually laugh but awkwardness and idiocy took over. Plus we just had one of our stupid giggle-fit-ridden conversations. Still high on talking about guys making out, I was half "What? NO WAY!" and half "Hmm. Too bad." *shrug*

I think a lot of people, fans and non-fans alike, can agree with me that it's strangely hard to grasp that someone like that - an icon - just is no more.

And then I didn't think much about it for the next two days, and THEN I suddenly got really upset about it. Like, UPSET. So. Upset. I didn't expect that to happen. I mean, it's not like I'd been listening to his music 24/7 for the past few years (eventhough I was somewhat of a closet fangirl when I was younger and a few months ago I started getting back into it after a long conversation with a fellow Naruto-fan about how he sorta looked like Orochimaru. (I said that Orochimaru was incredibly sexy despite his snake-anatomy, like how MJ was SO sexy despite some obviously 'creepy' features).

I grew up thinking Smooth Criminal was the coolest and most badass video/song ever made, fell in love with Mike's eccentric style when I first saw it and figured out how to do the moonwalk before I even knew it was his dance step.
Man In The Mirror, Give In To Me, Cry, The Way You Make Me Feel, We Are The World, Say Say Say, Heal The World and many other songs, Jackson 5 songs among them, were like those songs everybody knew (in my world -- at least I did) without really knowing where they had heard it. As is the case with many legendaric pieces, when you're little and only know the tunes from what your parents or MTV would play. You take it for granted that those songs just exist and don't understand the beautiful meaning of some of them until much later. Then, you'd actually sing them for exactly that - the meaning, for equality and love. As was Mike's message.

I bawled my eyes out and I just did it again.

Now I feel like a wimp and someone needs to hug me/tell me I'm being a wuss. Whatever helps.

BUT I guess it's okay to be sad about all this, because, well, it's THE KING OF POP and now he's GONE and and and and-

Okay, so I have a few reasons why I'm particularly upset:

1. His music and dancing were AMAZING. Awesome and mesmerising. And with his style(s) in clothing (ANDTHEMAKEUP!) it's just, GAHH. Yesplz. (I don't care if you don't like his work, you can't deny his dancing skills)
   It's just so stupid how some people just ignored his skills because of his looks.



2. He had all these songs about how we should respect and love the earth and animals and nature and each other. People who have worked with him all say he's incredibly kind and he seems too sweet. And he did SO. MUCH. for charities. *thumbs up!* I do believe discrimination has decreased thanks to him. (If you don't know his heal the world-songs, looks 'em up. Black or white, the earth song, man in the mirror, etc.) *likes promoting anti-hate songs*
   He helped those in need and really cared. To me, it's so clear that he was a good person. No, he was an angel, and will never be anything less than that.



3. I felt (/feel) SO bad for the guy. When I was little I saw that documentary about his life with my mum and it was so sad T_T And I swear, his life must've been CRAP. I mean, who puts a five-year-old on stage like that?! And who wouldn't depigmentate his skin for it to be one colour instead of random patches of black and white if he had the money for it? (he had vitiligo) And who wouldn't get a nosejob if his father used to call him Big Nose? (really, wtf? fatherly love?)
   He was physically and mentally abused by his father and mentally scarred and later in life, things only got worse.
   He was accused of molesting children, something he absolutely disgusted (the boy admits it was all a lie) and people just kept using every little thing he did or said to make him look like a maniac.
   And then he pretty much became the butt of all jokes and what not in the world. Like, MUCH worse than Britney Spears (who I also feel really bad for and respect because of it) And bashing him apparently became so much more fun than watching him perform? A little joking around, all in good fun, okay, I guess that's what happens to anyone known, but people need to stop the shameless BASHING and HATING!
   And when he was asked about it in interviews he was like: "I honestly don't know why they would do that. I don't even know them, I didn't do anything to them. I don't hate them, so..." And that was just cute (you should know what I mean if you know what his talking voice sounds like ^^)
   He dedicated his life to entertaining us and helping and comforting those who need it, and this is what he gets?



4. That being said, I'm half glad and half sad about all the MJ tributes on tv and the radio and stuff. Although I love that he now gets all this recognition and all, a lot of the people who now say he was great, are the very same people who said he was nothing but a creep and should just die and called him Wacko Jacko. Argh.
   And also, now all the people who were NOT against him (including me) are reminded, so to speak, and finally get around to speaking and/or writing about it, a nice change from the endless hating going on in the past years. But now that the world is finally taking back the nasty stuff and actually being nice, it's too late. I wish he could see this happening.

When I heard he had died, I honestly thought it must've been a relief for him. Salvation. In my mind he was always a lonely person, too gentle for this world and too talented to live his own life. Too insecure to really be happy, despite his title. He seemed so cheerful and sweet and caring, with patience to no end. His life was made a living hell and he just didn't deserve that. In my eyes he was a very kind soul and it's just not fair that he had to have such a hard life. Someone that pure just doesn't deserve that.

People have been arguing about his father - should we hate him for how bad he treated his son (and other children), or not, because he created this superstar?
And I really thought that, inside, I'd selfishly think the latter; I didn't know MJ personally after all and I do enjoy his performances (eventhough I'd never say it's okay to be an abusive parent).
But whereas I would most likely feel that way, if even a little, for other artists, I truely wish it could've been the other way, even if we wouldn't have had the King of Pop.
To me, he was just such a good person, he should've had the world's love and support instead of hatred, and he should've been able to live a happy, peaceful life. But no.

My first thought was that it seemed like his death was a way to escape the pain for him, and that just makes me so sad and pissed. (and kind of happy at the same time - that he doesn't have to deal with the judgemental world anymore)
I wish he would've gotten effective, professional help to deal with things and be happier.


He was a loving person. He loved and he showed it to the world. We can learn from that.

...

Well, got that out of my system. There is so much more that I could say, but words just don't do him - or my true feelings - justice.

*sigh* And now everyone knows about my closet-fangirling. XD And about my wuss-ness. And that I'm actually this touched by MJ's death which I managed to pretty much keep a secret (unnecessarily) until I suddenly decided to put it on the INTERNET. -_- But that's okay.

LONG-ASS JOURNAL IS OVER. Kudos and thank you if you read this far

R.I.P. Michael Jackson! You deserve peace And you will never be forgotten.
And the best of luck to those who were close to him. Eventhough the chance you'll read this journal is 0,000001%.

-XxX- Chaja


P.S. Any fellow (former) closet fans out there?


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